Surrender

I handed my mother the almost full bottle of Prozac I had from before and my current antidepressants tonight. I needed her to keep them away from me as I do no know if I will continue to have the strength to resist the siren call of self transition. I am so tired of fighting and just want to lay down and cease. I hope (that evil evil hope) that the new meds help soon.

Drained

My depression is again getting the better of me. I was hoping my move to Idaho would lead to a landing a job quickly. With my continued lack of work, my situational depression amplified my clinical depression, leaving me in a very dark place. I need to get my head straightened out now before I can even think of working at most places.
Trying to keep the darkness within me from overwhelming me is draining me dry. I do not know how much longer I can keep fighting my dark impulses.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 46% Stability |||||||||||||||||| 74% Orderliness |||||||||||| 46% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Interdependence || 10% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70% Mystical |||||||||||||||||| 76% Artistic |||||||||||||| 56% Religious |||||| 23% Hedonism |||||||||| 36% Materialism |||| 16% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43% Work ethic |||||| 30% Humanitarian |||||||||||||||| 63% Conflict seeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 63% Avoidant |||| 16% Anti-authority |||||||||| 36% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||||| 43% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||||||||||| 50% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Family drive |||||||||| 36% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| % Histrionic |||||| 30% Paranoia |||||||||| 36% Vanity |||||||||| 36% Honor |||||||||||| 43% Thriftiness |||||||||||| 43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.


Trait snapshot:rarely irritated, positive, tough, non phobic, fearless, likes the unknown, self reliant, high self control, confident, trusting, strong instincts, prudent, optimistic, willful, likes parties, prefers a specialized career, takes charge, altruistic, strong, high self concept, adventurous, practical, thoughtful

Been a while...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 54% Stability |||||||||||||||| 70% Orderliness |||||||||||| 46% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70% Interdependence |||||| 30% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Mystical |||||||||||||||||| 76% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63% Religious |||||| 23% Hedonism |||||| 30% Materialism |||||| 30% Narcissism |||||||||||| 50% Adventurousness |||||||||| 36% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Humanitarian |||||||||||| 43% Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 43% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 63% Avoidant |||| 16% Anti-authority |||||||||| 36% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||||||||| 36% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pan complex |||||||||||| 50% Family drive |||||| 30% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| % Histrionic |||||| 23% Paranoia |||||||||||| 43% Vanity |||||| 30% Honor |||||||||||| 50% Thriftiness |||||||||| 36%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.


trait snapshot:rarely irritated, positive, tough, non phobic, fearless, likes the unknown, self reliant, high self control, confident, trusting, strong instincts, prudent, optimistic, willful, likes parties, prefers a specialized career, takes charge, altruistic, strong, high self concept, adventurous, practical, thoughtful

Fading...

I feel as if I were to let go and stop trying to bring myself to the attention of others, I would just slip away into the background clutter that fills most everyone's lives. Things are really not going all that terrible for me. So many emotions that I vaguely seem to think that I should be feeling are just out of reach. So tantalizingly close, yet so far away.
It is difficult many days to just keep on trying to feel connected to the world around me. The temptation to just retreat from it all is so strong at times.

Survived another year...Yay?

Another anniversary of my birth passed by yesterday. I'm not sure if I'm to terribly excited about that or not. It seems all to often it is difficult to dredge up emotions that have lain buried for so long. I am not certain if the pills I've started taking for my depression have any effect upon such things or not.
Meh.
Realised I hadn't taken the personality profile in a bit, figured I'd see how some of my views on things might have changed:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 53% Stability |||||||||||||| 53% Orderliness |||||||||| 36% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63% Interdependence |||||||||||| 50% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 63% Artistic |||||||||||| 50% Religious |||||| 23% Hedonism |||| 16% Materialism || 10% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Self absorbed |||||| 23% Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant || 10% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||| 43% Change averse |||||||||||| 43% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||| 50% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Peter pan complex |||||||||||| 43% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical Fitness |||||| 30% Histrionic |||||||||||| 43% Paranoia |||||| 30% Vanity |||| 16% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 50% Indie |||||||||||||||| 66%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

trait snapshot:
messy, disorganized, not rule conscious, rebellious, rash, weird, ambivalent about chaos, likes bizarre things, anti-authority, not good at saving money, not a perfectionist, leaves many things unfinished, low self control, strange, desires more attention, romantic daydreamer, abstract, impractical, unproductive, leisurely, likes the unknown

Not sure if I'll try to start bloggin' more often again or not. It does seem to help me when I can vent.
Meh.

Mice and Men

The best laid plans they say.
So, the whole escape to Santa Rosa thing pretty much fell apart due to me losing the job to transfer to. Meh. C'est la vie.
Frank and myself have managed to break orbit from around Crescent City though. My aunt and sister were kind enough to clean out the trailer on the property in Acampo for us to crash in while we do the whole job hunt thing.
Course Frank has a slight advantage in that he has placement via his bartending school. I haven't the foggiest notion of what type of work I want to look for. Everyone says there are plenty of opportunities in the greater Sacramento area, so I should be able to find something to help pay the bills.
Either way, I'm away from what was feeling like a sucking black hole where I was gradually spiralling closer and closer to being sucked in and unable to break free. I'm not certain as to what my longish term goals are, I have to many things that interest me and it's difficult to choose one to follow. Reckon I'll see what the future holds when it becomes the present.
For now, I'm adapting to the heat. I kinda missed the heat there in Crescent City. Yeah, I'm an odd one. I keep telling myself I need to do the blog thing a little more often. Maybe this time I'll be able to stick with it.