Mice and Men

The best laid plans they say.
So, the whole escape to Santa Rosa thing pretty much fell apart due to me losing the job to transfer to. Meh. C'est la vie.
Frank and myself have managed to break orbit from around Crescent City though. My aunt and sister were kind enough to clean out the trailer on the property in Acampo for us to crash in while we do the whole job hunt thing.
Course Frank has a slight advantage in that he has placement via his bartending school. I haven't the foggiest notion of what type of work I want to look for. Everyone says there are plenty of opportunities in the greater Sacramento area, so I should be able to find something to help pay the bills.
Either way, I'm away from what was feeling like a sucking black hole where I was gradually spiralling closer and closer to being sucked in and unable to break free. I'm not certain as to what my longish term goals are, I have to many things that interest me and it's difficult to choose one to follow. Reckon I'll see what the future holds when it becomes the present.
For now, I'm adapting to the heat. I kinda missed the heat there in Crescent City. Yeah, I'm an odd one. I keep telling myself I need to do the blog thing a little more often. Maybe this time I'll be able to stick with it.

Transport

Gratification. Joy. Delight. Pleasure.
It seems to me that to many people claim to have lost these feelings and emotions. When you grow up, all to often it appears that we lose sight of the simple pleasures of life. When a child moves through life, they seem to be so much happier than an adult. The secret seems to be the fact that they take delight in just living and experiencing.
My nephew had his second birthday this past Saturday. It was refreshing to be around him and to watch what it was he gained joy from. It was the simple things. Grabbing the sprayer on the end of the garden hose and 'washing' the side of the house. Pushing his brand new bike around. Sitting on his grandfather's lap and regaling him with tales of things that were important to him.
As we age, we seem to forget the pleasure that can be obtained by the small things. The feeling of grass between ones toes. The gentle sound of waves breaking against the beach. The joy of just being in the presence of someone we care about. Lately, I have tried to focus on the little pleasures in life as much as the 'greater' means of gratification. Life just seems to be so less stressful. Not that I don't have things I could be worrying about, I just try not to focus so much upon them. Instead, I try to focus more on the simple little pleasures that just being alive can bring.
Let that inner child out to play as often as you can.

So Many... So Little

Options and time.
Part of the problem with finding a variety of things interesting is the lack of time to persue all of said interests. I find myself growing frustrated with the difficulty I am having in deciding what I want to try next. I know that I don't wish to continue in my current course of action. Delivering pizza long term is not an option. At the same time, when faced with decisions such as this, I have the habit of stepping back and not making a choice. This is bad. I need to try to break out of such a routine and just take a leap. If something doesn't work out like planned, well then, there is always plan B, or C, or G, or S or Z.
Blah.

Ess-Ka-Pay?

So, I'm seriously contemplating leaving Crescent City. Life here, while not horrid, just seems to be increasingly pointless. I can't say that I have any overwhelming reason to stay. Contrariwise, I have no overwhelming reason to leave either.

Pros of staying:
I don't have to pay rent as I live with my parents.
I have a job that pays decently for this area.
I have a group of friends that I can hang out with.
The scenery around Crescent City is beautiful.
I love being near the ocean.

Cons of staying:
I really am not a fan of small town living.
I live with my parents. Nuff said.
My job is beginning to become boring.
Most of my friends seem content with small town life.

Pros of leaving:
I would be in a city. Not a City, but a city nonetheless.
I would be out from under the parents roof, again.
I could find a better paying job that interests me.
I would get to make new friends.
I would be away from the ocean.

Cons of leaving:
Rent. Bills. Etc.
Leaving friends behind.

So yeah, that kinda sums things up. I do have tickets for a concert in the Sac area on August 21. By then I shall endeavour to make up my mind one way or the other.

Golden Pathway

Ripple

Waves of ennui crash over me.
Tenative tendrils of friendship begin to curl back under my shell. 
Disonnection and discontent my constant companions.
So tempted to spiral back down into the bleak blackness.

Molten

This is one of the many reasons I love the ocean.

Doldrums

Dungeons and Dragons used to be one of my favorite ways to spend time with friends. Either behind the screen or in front of it, the hours would just speed by. Sadly, now it seems that every time we get into combat, my sense of immersion just up and vanishes. Ugh. I come up with fun character concepts, develop backgrounds for them in my mind, breathe life into stats on paper, but once the blades and blasts come into play, everything is reduced to rolling lots of dice. It's gotten to the point where I just can't enjoy playing any more. Case in point, today I made a character for Ryan's Divine Seas setting. Very swashbuckling adventures style setting, really interesting, lots of love has been put into the setting. I created a character that will be fun to run, plenty of ways to just have a blast interacting with the characters of the other players. We ran into some aquatic ogres and all the fun just drained away. I dunno know what I want to do. Blah.

Go Go Gadget

I am pleased. My new gadget arrived today. I didn't get much of a chance to play with it yet. I did manage to snap a few pictures when I was at Sarah and John's pad. Behold the pizza. It was tasty.

Your Score: The Oracle

33% Extroversion, 100% Intuition, 27% Emotiveness, 100% Perceptiveness

Heuristic, detached, and analytical to a fualt, you are most like The Oracle. You are able to tackle any subject with a fine toothed comb, and you possess an ability to pinpoint nuances and shades of meaning that other people do not have and cannot understand. Accomplishment and realization of ideas are, for you, secondary to the rigorous exploration of ideas and questions -- you are, first and foremost, a theorist. You hate authority, convention, tradition, and under no circumstances do you accept a leadership role (although, you will gladly advise leadership when they're going astray, whether they want you to or not). Abstraction and generalities are your interests, details and particulars are usually inconsequential and uninteresting. You excel at language, mathematics and philosophy.




You are typically easy-going and non-confrontational until someone violates one of the very few principles that you deem sacred, at which point you can fly into a rage. Although you possess a much greater understanding of process and systems than the people around you, you are always conscious of the possibility that you've missed something or made a mistake. You don't tend to become attached to particular theories, and will immediately discard mistaken notions once they're revealed to be incorrect (but you don't tolerate iconoclasts who try to discredit validated theories through the use of fallacies and bad data). Despite being outwardly humble, you probably think of yourself as being smarter than most other people. That's because you are. In fact, in your dealings with people your understanding of their motives is so expansive that you know what they're going to say before they say it, and in world affairs, you usually know what is going to take place before it actually does. This ability would make you unbeatable in debates if only you were a little less pensive about your own conclusions, and a little more outgoing.



Famous people like you: Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Adam Smith, Thomas Jefferson, John McWhorter, Ramanujan, Marie Curie, Kurt Godel

Stay clear of: Apollo, Icarus, Hermes, Aphrodite

Seek out: Atlas, Prometheus, Daedalus

Delivery

I think the only reason I have been able to maintain my sanity at my current occupation, beyond a few of my coworkers, is the fact that I get to escape the Hut for 10 to 20 minutes at a time. When I'm encapsulated in the steel womb of my car, bass thumping away, engine purring happily, I find a bit of calm. Alas, I'm rudely forced out from the comforting warmth to return to work.
I am pleased with the new plastic discs of tunes I received. New music always seems to make my day go better.
Wednesday cannot arrive quickly enough. My last big purchase, hopefully, for this year will be arriving. Then it will be snapshot time. Woohoo.

Whoops

So I told myself I'd try to at least put down something every other day. Silly me got distracted. I've been borrowing some of the Ultimate trade paperbacks that Frank owns. Woot, comics! Yes, I am a geek. Yes, I am a nerd. I do not however claim the term dork. That term I fear brings the old slang to mind when I think of it. 

I managed to get some City of Heroes play time in with Dan. This made me happy. 
It looks like there might be a big Starcraft shingding with me and some college 
friends on Friday.
Woot. It should be fun as long as things actually run as planned. I'm not holding my breath tho.

Ninja!

I seem to have an aura of invisibility about me or something. I had a coworker tell me that she knew that I was in the store, and yet it seemed that there was only three people in the store, those three being her and the other two who were working that were not me. I apparently startled her when I popped back into view. I don't know what exactly it would be. Perhaps I lack a certain forcefulness of personality. Maybe I just fail to project my aura. (heheh) Who knows. It is a bit disconcerting, but it would explain how it is that so many of my friends just seem to forget about me if I'm not making it a point to keep in touch with them. I'm tired and have had a loooooong day at work. So I'm not going to continue on for now or else I might slip further into the meloncholy.

A pox upon my absentmindedness

Ugh. I try to fix things into my mind, but I seem to all to often forget about things when I really should remember them. I was talking to my good friend Dan who is down in Brasil about City of Heroes. I had managed to coerce him into downloading the client so that we could play together before work on the days that I have to work. I had told him that I had tomorrow (Sunday) off and we could get a good bit of smiting stuff done. Well, one of my coworkers asked me if I could cover her shift for her on Sunday as I was the only one who really could. My thoughts went something along the line of, 'Normally, I wouldn't care to work on one of my two days off. But, because on of the few people at work I am actually fond of works that day and me not coming in might make her job slightly more difficult, I could do this.' I totally forgot about playing CoH with Dan. Now, I feel blah. Even though I know that others in all likelyhood do this type of thing to me, I feel badly when I do it to them. Sigh.

Curiosity killed the cat...

Satisfaction brought him back.
It seems that one of my main reasons behind getting up each day is the insatiable curiosity I have. Will this day be better, worse, or nearly the same as the last. I reckon such a drive will suffice for now.
My old Olds has been replaced by a new Olds. The old Olds was beginning to develop brake problems. A price of about 650 bucks was quoted to get it all fixed up. I've been driving the old Olds for about 7 years and it is about 14 years old. I now get the joy of paying about 225 dollars a month until the new Olds is payed off. This both pleases me and yet at the same time it is funds that I could be saving up. Of course, it might be a bit difficult to escape to sunnier pastures if I have no car to continue my current job.
C'est la vie

Human

You'd think that I would learn. I never seem to though. Eventually perhaps I will be able to start treating people as they treat me, instead of treating them as I hope they would treat me. All I seem to bring to myself by treating others as I would have them behave toward me is pain and misery. Masochist that I am, I just seem to continue on in my bull headed stubborn ways and yet still part of me is peeled away every time. There are many a time of late that I curse my sense of loyalty toward those that interest me. I truly wish at times that I could just walk away from them all, just start afresh someplace else. The cynical bastard within screams that it would all just repeat itself. Fool that I am, I try to drown out that voice. My tolerance is wearing thinner every day.

Back in the saddle

Work, as often happens, was meh. After work on the other hand was much more enjoyable.
Last week I began a World of Darkness Mage chronicle set in Boston. Tonight, all five of the players I had planned on were available to game and the group picked up a sixth. I was pleased. There was much wierdness and a little bit of paradox. Everyone seemed a bit tired, but all the same, fun was had and characters Awakened. It seems like it has been quite a while since I did any storytelling, I'm slowly but surely beginning to get back into the groove though. I can hardly wait until next week. Fun fun fun.

Hoody frickin hoo

Seeing as how I so often tend to feel somewhat better after expressing myself, I have decided to continue to do the whole blog/journal thing.
Today was one of those crazy days for me. Nothing to terribly exciting happened. Unless you count the mood swings. Seemed that I would go from depressed to pissed off to feeling decent and back again in the space of minutes. I just toughed it out as usual, things settled down eventually. There was more I was going to write about, but now it's wandered off into the dark recesses of my mind and I don't really feel like rummaging about to find it. Maybe later it will come back and I'll feel the urge to vent.

Crap from the other place

Friday, May 25, 2007

Crusade
Current mood: restless

I realised that often, I'd only really blog when I was depressed. Doing so led to most my musing sounding rather dark and dreary. Meh. Such is life for me. Currently, I am shockingly enough, not way down in the dumps. Kinda in between. Anyhow, on to the thoughts that brough me here.
Crusades. We all have them, it seems to be part of human nature to have things we value highly. Being human also entails the desire to shape our surroundings into what we view as the way things should be. So off we go, trying our best to persuade those around us that our views are the only right views. Note, that at times, shockingly enough, we can be wrong. So, what might be some of my personal banners I carry high and proclaim loudly?
I consider myself anti-faddist. Fads, ugh. It is one thing if you genuinely enjoy something, a whole 'nother story if you just jump on the bandwagon. What might bring this to mind right now. Converse. Yep, old school canvas and rubber shoes. I have worn them since I was a youngling. Love the freedom they give me feetses, but the lack of support is not the best for me feetses, but I don't care. Anyhow, I was aghast when a couple years back I went to get a new pair and discovered that somehow my beloved footwear had become trendy. I dislike the thought of spending upwards of 40 bucks for a pair of Cons.
Labels. I try my best to not let myself fall into the trap of labelling others then dismissing them because they are '' Alas, I am but human, so I fail at times. (don't let anyone know, that can be our little secret) It annoys me to no end when people label others (or when I find myself doing the same). It would seem that humans like to make sure everything fits nice and neatly into little categories. Bah! Again I say, Bah!
I'm feeling a bit brain tired, so I shall cease for now.



Sunday, May 20, 2007

As the sand of the hourglass...
Current mood: calm

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56%
Stability |||||||||||||| 56%
Orderliness |||||||||| 36%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Interdependence |||||||||| 36%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%
Mystical |||||||||||||| 56%
Artistic |||||||||||||| 56%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||| 23%
Materialism || 10%
Narcissism |||||| 23%
Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50%
Work ethic |||||| 30%
Self absorbed |||||| 23%
Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36%
Need to dominate |||||||||| 36%
Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Avoidant |||| 16%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency |||||| 30%
Change averse |||||||||||| 43%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56%
Individuality |||||||||||| 50%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Physical Fitness |||||| 30%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 50%
Paranoia |||||| 30%
Vanity |||||| 23%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43%
Female cliche |||||| 23%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
messy, disorganized, not rule conscious, rebellious, rash, weird, ambivalent about chaos, likes bizarre things, anti-authority, not good at saving money, not a perfectionist, leaves many things unfinished, low self control, strange, desires more attention, romantic daydreamer, abstract, impractical, unproductive, leisurely, likes the unknown



Monday, May 07, 2007

Invisible...

Am I one of those people that seems destined to just slip through the cracks? It seems that unless I make a point of initiating contact with the majority of my friends, I just don't hear from them. I try to keep in touch, but I am not exactly always the best at doing so. Perhaps I've just managed to befriend those who are somewhat like me in that regard. All I know is that I'm becoming weary of being the one who initiates conversations. I feel like people just look right past me. It's rather frustrating. A good part of me just wants to give up, to stop caring, to just not bother any longer.
Who knows, this might just be my usual malaise and in a few days I'll be feeling better. Meh, right now, I just don't care.



Thursday, May 03, 2007

7 months ago


Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||| 43%
Stability |||||||||| 40%
Orderliness |||||||||| 36%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63%
Interdependence |||||||||||| 50%
Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56%
Mystical |||||||||||||| 56%
Artistic |||||||||||| 50%
Religious |||||||||||| 43%
Hedonism |||||||||| 36%
Materialism |||||||||| 36%
Narcissism |||||| 30%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 43%
Self absorbed |||||||||| 36%
Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36%
Need to dominate |||||| 30%
Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Avoidant |||| 16%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency |||||||||||| 43%
Change averse |||||||||| 36%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 63%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||| 50%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical Fitness |||||| 30%
Histrionic |||||||||| 36%
Paranoia |||||| 30%
Vanity |||||| 30%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 50%
Female cliche |||| 16%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com



Monday, April 30, 2007

As time goes on...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56%
Stability |||||||||||||||| 66%
Orderliness |||||||||| 36%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Interdependence |||||||||||| 43%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%
Mystical |||||||||||| 50%
Artistic |||||||||||| 50%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||| 30%
Materialism |||| 16%
Narcissism |||||| 30%
Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 43%
Self absorbed |||||| 30%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 43%
Need to dominate |||||||||| 36%
Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Avoidant |||||| 23%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency |||||| 30%
Change averse |||||||||||||| 56%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 63%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Physical Fitness |||||||||| 37%
Histrionic |||||| 30%
Paranoia |||||||||| 36%
Vanity |||| 16%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43%
Female cliche |||||| 23%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


trait snapshot:
messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic



Monday, April 09, 2007

Discontent and Disconnected
Current mood: discontent

It seems that lately more often than not, I feel so disconnected and distance from those around me. I feel that I must put so much effort into feeling human and viewing those around me as real. There are a few people that at even the worst of times I still feel a bit of kinship for, but even then they seem somewhat distant. I wonder if something is broken in me or the years of depression have just washed out my capacity to feel real. I feel that if I stopped putting effort into trying to keep in contact with my friends that I would just slip into obscurity. At times I wonder why I even try to bother with continuing to reach out. I suppose that part of how I feel could be attributed to my surroundings. The ennui within me seems to grow with every day that I am here in Crescent City. My job, which was somewhat interesting at first, has begun to become nothing more than just a way to pay the bills. If it weren't for a few people that I work with that I kinda care about, I don't know how long I'd be able to last continuing to work there. I just don't know any longer what I want to do, except escape. The urge/need to get out increases. Part of me just doesn't care though, it just wants to lie down and die. To quit fighting. To just let go and lapse back into full blown despair. Why bother.



Wednesday, April 04, 2007



Carnivorous what?

Caterpillars. Yep, those little wiggly things that turn into butterflies and moths. Some of them eat other bugs.
I was wandering through the house going for another bowl of cereal and passed by the living room where my dad had Animal Planet on for my gramps to watch. I happened to overhear the fact that there is a Australian caterpillar that sneaks its way into an ant nest to devour their young. Fun stuff I tell ya. I learned something new today. Apparently there are a few varieties of meat loving caterpillars too. Excercise your google-fu to learn more.



Socially Responsible Hedonism

Little bit of a chat Frank (Nyarlathotep5150) and I (rabidgamer76) had. Just thought I'd share:


like I told Amanda tonight, "a relationship should only consist of three lines. 1) you make me happy, 2) I make you happy, 3) beyond that do whatever the hell you want. you get anymore complex than that and your going to a dark twisted place."
[03:43] rabidgamer76: any relationship should be based on the concept that there are many things in life that are more enjoyable if shared with another
[03:43] rabidgamer76: and you want that person to be the one you share something with
[03:45] Nyarlathotep5150: and if your love has conditions/restrictions placed upon it(other than that the other person reciprocate the sentiment), then its not love.
[03:46] rabidgamer76: love is all to often a word used to mean many things
[03:47] rabidgamer76: truely caring about someone shouldn't have to be tied to romantic feelings
[03:48] rabidgamer76: romance is good and all
[03:48] Nyarlathotep5150: for me there is little difference. If I can be close friends with a woman, I can be her lover too, all the feelings are there, its just a small step
[03:49] rabidgamer76: exactly
[03:49] rabidgamer76: if you care about someone enough, then odds are you wouldn't think twice about giving them pleasure
[03:50] rabidgamer76: course I kinda draw the line with how you define pleasure and dudes
[03:51] Nyarlathotep5150: I'm too wired with chivalry. I just genuinly treat women better. its not that I have a problem with gays, I just hate men.
[03:52] rabidgamer76: yeah, I can't say I hate guys, but I'm one myself
[03:52] rabidgamer76: heh, my dog's goober sense must've been tingling
[03:53] rabidgamer76: I cracked open the peanuts and she showed up
[03:56] Nyarlathotep5150: I think we need to do away with the institution of marage. and just have a taxbreak for long term roomates. it would do wonders for breaking that huge moral ban on promiscuity
[03:57] rabidgamer76: true true
[03:58] Nyarlathotep5150: I want a world where people realise that denial of self is NOT a mature life choice. and infact a healthy dose of selfishnes is closer to the case.
[04:00] Nyarlathotep5150: cause it seems like we're in the minority with our,"if it makes you happy, why not?" approach to life. it seems like everyone else is like,"you can't do that BECAUSE it makes you happy."
[04:00] rabidgamer76: yep
[04:00] rabidgamer76: I have come to realise this
[04:02] Nyarlathotep5150: its sick...esspecialy when you see people who didn't buy into those few religeons that sell that tripe, still living like that.
[04:02] rabidgamer76: it's not like we are preaching hedonism
[04:03] Nyarlathotep5150: well a little yeah. but a socialy responsible hedonism
[04:03] rabidgamer76: right
[04:03] rabidgamer76: a kind of 'find your pack and be happy with them' hedonism
[04:05] Nyarlathotep5150: yeah. a ,"Do your job, pay your bills, go to school. and in whatever time you have free, do whatever makes you feel better, cause you've earned it. kind of hedonism.



Friday, March 30, 2007

Pot Shots

My tag lines are courtesy of one Ashleigh Brilliant. The man is aptly named and if you are not familiar with him, I strongly suggest you learn more about him. He has managed to capture the human condition in little 17 word or less sayings, epigrams as he titles them. I usually change my tag line when whim strikes me or if there is an especially good Potshot of the Day on his site: http://www.ashleighbrilliant.com/
I purchased a couple of his books and found them quite enjoyable and couldn't resist buying the catalog of all 10000 of his witticisms.



Thursday, March 29, 2007

abattoir

clinging darkness all about
air rich with the scent of copper and offal
cold seeping up from callous floor
knees bent as if in prayer
fingers reaching outward finding naught
no breeze to caress confused features
noisome odor of sulfur as light briefly sparks
a flame from a match illuminates briefly
dismembered and crushed dreams